In a scorching announcement (pun aggressively intended), President Donald Trump mandated that all elementary schools adopt a “Stand Your Ground” fire drill protocol. The move, Trump says, is part of his ongoing campaign to make America “fearless again.”

“You don’t run from fires—only weak people, total disasters do that,” Trump declared at a Tallahassee rally, before assuring the crowd that he personally “never runs from anything, except fake news.”

Under the mandate, students will be armed with water guns, buckets, and the sheer willpower of American exceptionalism to battle flames rather than fleeing like so-called "quitters." Teachers will lead drills, shouting, “Hold the line!” as kids charge smoke machines and strategically placed fire decals.

Fire safety experts have raised concerns, pointing out the obvious flaws in the plan. “The best way to survive a fire is still evacuation,” insisted one fire marshal, who was promptly drowned out by chants of “weak!” and “fire cuck!”

Meanwhile, Trump has hinted at expanding the protocol. “We’re working on a non-fire version for other emergencies,” he teased. “Earthquakes, tornadoes, surprise pop quizzes—you name it. Stand your ground, folks. Always stand your ground.”

As of press time, schools were scrambling to explain the policy to confused parents, deeply concerned firefighters, and insurance companies now refusing to cover "acts of presidential policy."