WASHINGTON, D.C. — The long-awaited release of classified JFK assassination files has rocked the nation, revealing a shocking new twist: President John F. Kennedy was not assassinated by a lone gunman, but by a reckless mix of candy and soda.

According to newly declassified documents, JFK’s final words in the presidential motorcade were reportedly, “Watch this, Jackie,” as he tore open a packet of cherry-flavored Pop Rocks and washed them down with a glass-bottled RC Cola.

Within seconds, eyewitnesses reported a fizzing sound, a sudden puff of sugary steam, and then—tragedy.

This revelation puts to rest decades of speculation surrounding the grassy knoll, magic bullets, and CIA coverups. Instead, it appears Kennedy was simply the first—and last—sitting U.S. president to test a middle school dare live in public.

“We always thought the trajectory was off,” said a former Warren Commission staffer. “Turns out, there was no bullet. Just an ill-advised snack choice.”

The documents detail a massive government cover-up, with the CIA allegedly fabricating the Oswald narrative to avoid public embarrassment over the commander-in-chief falling victim to candy science.

Jackie Kennedy reportedly muttered, “He never did learn moderation,” as agents scrambled to replace the Pop Rocks packet with shell casings.

At press time, Secret Service agents under President Trump’s new term were reportedly on high alert after an intercepted memo suggested another possible assassination attempt.

“We’re monitoring all carbonated beverages and novelty candies within 500 feet of the Oval Office,” said one agent, discreetly inspecting a Big Gulp. “One Pop Rock gets in that cup, and it’s Dallas 2.0.”

Trump was unfazed. “They tried to get me with fizzy candy, folks. Not gonna happen. I drink my Diet Coke the classy way—straight from the can, no explosions. Only thing popping is the economy!”