Researchers found that an average American day includes a breakfast sandwich, a mid-morning “snack,” a 1,200-calorie frappuccino, and a lunch featuring an appetizer, entrée, and dessert—all before dinner’s triple-portion feast.

Santa, meanwhile, maintains some restraint. “He doesn’t touch the chips or eggnog left out,” said Flanagan. “Frankly, he’s underachieving.”

The findings have turned Santa into an unlikely wellness icon. Health bloggers now call him a “seasonal intermittent faster” while competitive eaters claim he’s “no big deal.” A viral TikTok even accused Santa of “diet culture propaganda.”

When asked for comment, Rudolph merely rolled his eyes.

Despite the findings, most Americans were unfazed. “Santa eats for one night, I eat for the vibe,” said one respondent while unwrapping a Taco Bell family meal—for one.

Nutritionists warn this comparison shouldn’t encourage overeating, but it’s unlikely to change habits. As one researcher put it: “Santa may deliver gifts, but we deliver gains.”