With egg prices soaring due to bird flu crippling poultry farms, Democrats have turned to their pandemic MVP, Dr. Anthony Fauci, for an emergency solution. Their request? A fast-tracked Pfizer vaccine for chickens—no questions asked.

Sources say Fauci immediately called Pfizer, asking, “Can you whip something up real quick? We’ll handle the PR.” The pharmaceutical giant reportedly had a pre-made bird flu shot “just in case” and assured officials that while long-term safety data is nonexistent, profits remain stable.

With desperate urgency to bring egg prices back down, Democratic governors are already rolling out poultry mandates:

• All chickens must wear N95 beak masks in public spaces.

• Unvaccinated hens banned from “coop-to-table” dining.

• Farms with non-compliant chickens face steep fines or will be forced to serve Impossible Nuggets at gunpoint.

Officials are also fighting chicken vaccine hesitancy, as many flocks have refused to comply. “We’re seeing a rise in conspiracy theories in coops,” warned one CDC expert. “Some birds think the vaccine makes their eggs sterile. Others claim Fauci is profiting off Big Poultry.”

To counteract this, the White House has launched a TikTok campaign titled “Get the Cluck Vaxxed” featuring influencers assuring chickens that “science is cool” and “only a dumb bird questions the experts.”

At press time, California had issued a new order requiring all backyard chickens to show proof of vaccination before laying eggs, while Fauci was reportedly considering a poultry lockdown “just to be safe.”