The plan, dubbed “Meat Over Medicine,” encourages Americans to swap shots for steaks. Grass-fed beef is strongly recommended because, as RFK Jr. assures us, “It’s 100% free of mercury, microchips, and pharmaceutical conspiracies.”

Critics are skeptical. “Raw meat doesn’t prevent measles,” said one public health official. “At best, it prevents you from being invited to dinner parties.”

Supporters of the plan, however, are enthusiastic. “I’ve been eating raw meat for years, and I’ve never caught polio,” said one follower while chewing on a raw T-bone.

The program includes “dosage guidelines” based on meat cuts, with a porterhouse steak equivalent to a tetanus booster and a cow heart suggested for flu season. Children are advised to start with ground beef “until their teeth can handle the raw stuff.”

RFK Jr. dismissed concerns about foodborne illness, claiming that “E. coli builds character.” When asked about scientific evidence, he replied, “The proof is in the tartare.”