BENTONVILLE, AR — Seizing a golden opportunity to court Costco’s most outraged ex-customers, Sam’s Club has announced a mass hiring initiative exclusively featuring white men, finally giving America’s most underrepresented demographic a shot at retail greatness.

“With Costco going all-in on DEI, we knew there was a gap in the market,” said Sam’s Club hiring director Chad McAllister. “So we did what any bulk supplier would do—we ordered white guys by the pallet.”

According to company insiders, the hiring initiative—code-named ‘Operation Greg’—aims to staff every Sam’s Club location with at least 85% Todd saturation by Q3. Analysts predict a historically high ratio of new hires who ‘just fell into this job after quitting insurance sales.’

Shoppers have noticed the shift. “It just feels different here,” said local man Brett Thompson. “Like, when I asked an employee where the paper towels were, he said, ‘Right this way, champ.’ That’s customer service Costco just doesn’t provide.”

Costco declined to comment but reportedly celebrated a record-breaking day for hot dog sales while Sam’s Club continued its hiring spree, now accepting resumes exclusively written in Times New Roman, size 12, with a vague reference to "leadership experience" from high school football.