Local office newcomer Kyle Peterson, 24, suffered what experts are calling a “career-ending” misstep after slipping in the office Monday morning. Witnesses say the fall was “catastrophic, unsalvageable, and possibly even fatal to his professional reputation.”

“I didn’t just fall,” Peterson confirmed. “I stepped on a loose folder, did a full split, and ripped a hole straight through my pants. There was… visibility.”

Within seconds of impact, Peterson reportedly pulled out his phone and updated his LinkedIn profile, knowing there was no coming back from this.

“You don’t just ‘recover’ from a fall like that,” said Nancy from Accounting, who saw the incident unfold. “We made direct eye contact while he was mid-split. That’s not something you can undo.”

Coworkers report that the entire office froze in horror before bursting into a collective, “Oooooooohhhhhh.”

Management immediately began “reviewing its options.”

“We can’t have clients walking in and seeing this guy,” said Kyle’s boss, while quietly reposting his job listing on Indeed.

HR later confirmed the fall had already been entered into Peterson’s permanent record.

As of press time, Peterson had cleaned out his desk and was seen applying to fully remote positions, where he’ll never have to walk in front of another human again.