A growing number of evangelical leaders are raising the alarm about what they call the “woke agenda” hiding in plain sight—the Transcontinental Railroad.

“This whole thing was suspicious from the start,” said Pastor Dale Grimsby, head of Straight Tracks, Straight Families: The Movement to Protect Christian Transportation. “The moment I saw the word ‘Trans,’ I knew something sinister was afoot.”

Grimsby and other concerned Christians insist that the railroad was never just about transportation—it was about conversion.

"Think about it!" Grimsby bellowed at a packed town hall meeting. "It was completed in 1869—SIXTY NINE! And where does it end? San Francisco. If that’s not proof of an agenda, I don’t know what is!"

Others agree.

“Trains are already problematic,” said local activist Brenda Huxley. “They’re long, they go through tunnels, and don’t even get me started on sleeper cars. The whole thing is basically an orgy on wheels.”

Churches across the country are now hosting seminars on train avoidance, and some pastors have even banned toy train sets from Sunday school.

“We had kids playing with a train set last week,” said one concerned youth pastor. “Next thing you know, they’re asking about high-speed rail and European infrastructure. It’s a slippery slope to communism and homosexuality.”

At press time, sources say the coalition is also investigating the Transformers franchise, arguing that "transitioning from a Camaro to a humanoid form is unnatural and against God’s plan."